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| So like so many other last posts on xanga. People always just mention the URL of that other new hip and rad site that will interest them more then here.
My semi-active blogging is now at downwithgravity.wordpress.com
It is lame and unimaginative but it is more recent if you care about what goes on in my life. The tone is far happier than the way this one turned out anyway.
As you can already see, this is longer than the standard xanga goodbye. Mostly because I don't really want to let it go. I have this problem with everything else that people just see as a fad. In 6th grade, I played Megaman Battle Network 3 Version: Blue for over 2 months. Why? cause I liked it and didn't just want to move on to #4 or 5 or whatever number they went on to. I never checked. Xanga died, at least among most of my friends. Daniel definitely had the most successful xanga around. and when he gave up there was little reason to continue messing around with the dead creature. Myspace has died. at least over here in Europe. Facebook is aging and who knows whats next. I'll be there to ride the wave. but I always like to linger longer than the crowd
Xanga, I'll miss what you represented to me. A first reason to learn coding. A way to stay in contact. A more manly way of keeping a diary. The sole reason to get on the internet.
We're all moving on. Oh well, C'est la vie.
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| This is the most numb Christmas I can remember. I really don't want
anything for Christmas that I can honestly expect to get. With no hopes
up for presents, there goes my Christmas spirit.
;]
We went to this candlelight service tonight. After some Christmas
carols, the pastor sat down in a low-seated chair, read part of the
Christmas story from the Bible, and told one of those stories that you
find inside email forwards supposed to make you feel good about being a
Christian or something.
But his voice sounds too smooth, too polished, too perfect. It hurts
me to see someone that well put together. To see someone who seems like
they don't have to fight their demons at all.
Uggh. Now I feel bad about not being cheerful or happy or in the holiday spirit. I really just want my friends and a long time to make to memories to replace the ones fading away. That's more what all these holidays are: excuses to get together with your family and strength bonds between each other so they won't fall apart. That was one of my biggest fear about moving to Belgium: that my friendships wouldn't be there when I get back. I'm sure they'll be there, but in what form? I can't predict the future. How am I supposed to prepare myself?
Oh well, see you next year. Or sooner I guess
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| why is conformity so hard for me?
I can't fit in among the hundreds of kids around me
why can't I just go with the flow.
cause I really know better?
well, that's never really stopped me too much before
of course, this is completely different.
I can't just let the world take me, that would change me beyond recognition
but that seems like the easier option.
Autopilot is increasingly becoming a very appealing word to me nowadays
but I doubt I could stay sane, living like that
ugg. I don't want to hurt anyone.
i know one day I'll likely screw up something. very hopefully, not someone.
I see the emotions through the cloaks you try to hide it through.
and it hurts me almost more than it hurts you, cause all I can see is myself ruining your life
faceless, lifeless, heartless
but I can't really call that being alive, can I?
Is there anyway to really get want you want out of life? without changing your dreams after everyone tells you it's impossible? I want to be happy. no not happy, just content. and I want to help others get there too, but without crushing their dreams.
I hope I'm going at this the right way.
I don't want to screw up
I don't want to screw up
I don't want to screw up
really really not at the expense of a friend
"The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate."
you and me both, Chuck Palahniuk.
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| Searching on the wire, for a wire
for a peace of mind,
like the spiders in the corners
that are never there.
eh I'm getting sick of these delays. I get the whole "God's perfect timing" thing. I just would like to be clued in.
I found this great thing with the New York Times, there is apparently a 20% chance that we are living in the Matrix.
As if our whole lives are a giant version of the Sims or something.
The writer said that it might explain why there is so much trouble in the world. Because a peaceful earth would be boring for anyone who's in control.
Really? is that why? I was sure the answer was more philosophical that that. psh, idiots.
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| A heart of stone, a smoking gun
I'm working it out, im working
Why'd you feel so underrated?
Why'd you feel negated?
I watched Fight Club last night.
guys, you gotta love that testosterone ;]
but it made me think about their whole philosophy
the "forget-the-world-you-only-need-yourself" philosophy
Brad Pitt's character pulls the car into oncoming traffic and says
"If you were to die right now, how would you feel about your life? What will you wish you had done?"
I started to think about it afterward: Will I ever be anything more than plain?
Do I possess the guts to really do something in this pathetic world?
I really don't want to end up with a 9-5 job going to financial conferences and doing nothing
I fear mediocrity.
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