protos's Xanga

Dying Times

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:43:39 GMT

So like so many other last posts on xanga. People always just mention the URL of that other new hip and rad site that will interest them more then here.

My semi-active blogging is now at downwithgravity.wordpress.com
It is lame and unimaginative but it is more recent if you care about what goes on in my life. The tone is far happier than the way this one turned out anyway.

As you can already see, this is longer than the standard xanga goodbye. Mostly because I don't really want to let it go. I have this problem with everything else that people just see as a fad. In 6th grade, I played Megaman Battle Network 3 Version: Blue for over 2 months. Why? cause I liked it and didn't just want to move on to #4 or 5 or whatever number they went on to. I never checked. Xanga died, at least among most of my friends. Daniel definitely had the most successful xanga around. and when he gave up there was little reason to continue messing around with the dead creature. Myspace has died. at least over here in Europe. Facebook is aging and who knows whats next. I'll be there to ride the wave. but I always like to linger longer than the crowd

Xanga, I'll miss what you represented to me. A first reason to learn coding. A way to stay in contact. A more manly way of keeping a diary. The sole reason to get on the internet.

We're all moving on. Oh well, C'est la vie.

Blah Humbug

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:04:52 GMT

This is the most numb Christmas I can remember. I really don't want anything for Christmas that I can honestly expect to get. With no hopes up for presents, there goes my Christmas spirit. ;]

We went to this candlelight service tonight. After some Christmas carols, the pastor sat down in a low-seated chair, read part of the Christmas story from the Bible, and told one of those stories that you find inside email forwards supposed to make you feel good about being a Christian or something.

But his voice sounds too smooth, too polished, too perfect. It hurts me to see someone that well put together. To see someone who seems like they don't have to fight their demons at all.

Uggh. Now I feel bad about not being cheerful or happy or in the holiday spirit. I really just want my friends and a long time to make to memories to replace the ones fading away. That's more what all these holidays are: excuses to get together with your family and strength bonds between each other so they won't fall apart. That was one of my biggest fear about moving to Belgium: that my friendships wouldn't be there when I get back. I'm sure they'll be there, but in what form? I can't predict the future. How am I supposed to prepare myself?

Oh well, see you next year. Or sooner I guess

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 23:29:22 GMT

why is conformity so hard for me?
I can't fit in among the hundreds of kids around me
why can't I just go with the flow.

cause I really know better?
well, that's never really stopped me too much before
of course, this is completely different.

I can't just let the world take me, that would change me beyond recognition
but that seems like the easier option.
Autopilot is increasingly becoming a very appealing word to me nowadays
but I doubt I could stay sane, living like that

ugg. I don't want to hurt anyone.
i know one day I'll likely screw up something. very hopefully, not someone.
I see the emotions through the cloaks you try to hide it through.
and it hurts me almost more than it hurts you, cause all I can see is myself ruining your life

faceless, lifeless, heartless
but I can't really call that being alive, can I?

Is there anyway to really get want you want out of life? without changing your dreams after everyone tells you it's impossible? I want to be happy. no not happy, just content. and I want to help others get there too, but without crushing their dreams.

I hope I'm going at this the right way.
I don't want to screw up
I don't want to screw up
I don't want to screw up
really really not at the expense of a friend

"The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate."
you and me both, Chuck Palahniuk.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 12:58:53 GMT

Searching on the wire, for a wire
for a peace of mind,
like the spiders in the corners
that are never there.

eh I'm getting sick of these delays. I get the whole "God's perfect timing" thing. I just would like to be clued in.

I found this great thing with the New York Times, there is apparently a 20% chance that we are living in the Matrix.
As if our whole lives are a giant version of the Sims or something.

The writer said that it might explain why there is so much trouble in the world. Because a peaceful earth would be boring for anyone who's in control.

Really? is that why? I was sure the answer was more philosophical that that. psh, idiots.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:33:48 GMT

A heart of stone, a smoking gun
I'm working it out, im working
Why'd you feel so underrated?
Why'd you feel negated?

I watched Fight Club last night.
guys, you gotta love that testosterone ;]
but it made me think about their whole philosophy
the "forget-the-world-you-only-need-yourself" philosophy

Brad Pitt's character pulls the car into oncoming traffic and says
"If you were to die right now, how would you feel about your life? What will you wish you had done?"

I started to think about it afterward: Will I ever be anything more than plain?
Do I possess the guts to really do something in this pathetic world?

I really don't want to end up with a 9-5 job going to financial conferences and doing nothing

I fear mediocrity.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 05:12:19 GMT

Could I be possibly insane?
To think you and I have it figured out.
How does one approach this?
All our past loves have let us down.

Great acoustic concert with them at the House of Blues
too bad Daniel's camera wasn't allowed in.

Supposed to leave soon, it looks like things are falling into place, .... sorta.
Ohh well, I've decided I'll never get happy until I start wanting to.

Sarahjane told me to "Stop Wining"
when I thought about it later, who wants to hear me complain?
I get so mad when my mom comes to me with her problems that have nothing to do with me and when there is nothing I can do at all to help.

Now, I just mope about wishing I could have a less complicated life?

Seriously, who moves to Belgium and has to start a new life at the unstable age of sixteen?
ugg, anyway this summer, I've met alot of people who have to move or at least make a big change in their life.

it's helped to remind me they're are people doing worse than me, so I should shut up and quit complaining.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 04:21:42 GMT

It's just another day. Nothing in my way.
I don't want to go. I don't want to stay...
For a lonely soul you're having such a nice time.

I feel amazing. Camp was good. Friends were great.
Camp really took care of some of the stuff I was was dealing with and told me to just get over it.

I was thinking about how hard school was gonna be and then I found this group on face book
I'm an honors kid..I procrastinate and use sparknotes and don't do homework

It reminded me of all the late nights and great memories of school.
That may sound twisted, but for all the moaning and groaning we do, there's a part of me that loves the thrill of the deadline.

As I've said before, I live in the ProcrastiNATION. ;]

Someone on that site quoted Calvin & Hobbes,

Calvin: "Im waiting for the right mood"
Hobbes: "What mood is that?"
Calvin: "Sheer panic"

oh that describes me so well....

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 12:29:38 GMT

The mystery of salt and sea oh ho ho
Has never been intriguing oh ho ho
And to me but the sea
Green is set so beautifully
Against your thoughtful face
That I must close my eyes
And turn my face

So I'm sitting here in a Galveston hotel on internet that cost me $9.95
(Gosh, they've figured out that us bloggers are addicts)
Eating a pop tart, because I'm waiting for everyone to wake up.
The ocean is out my window, but I'm not impressed it's lost it's allure for me.

We came down here on Tuesday after going to the passport office in Houston. After standing in line for literally FOUR hours. We were told that we couldn't even get them today, which was kinda important because the Belgian Consulate needs us to get those pretty quickly.

They place is nice and I'm enjoying it as much as I can but still trying to say out of the water. Bleh, I've been sick of swimming for about a year now. There's only so much exciting stuff that can happen in that clear liquid. I went swimming couple of weeks ago with Seth. and my hearing is still messed up since then. It REALLY REALLY SUCKS. You have no idea how retard you feel when you have to repeat yourself because you don't know how quietly you're talking. or you can't hear the TV that is 2 feet from your face. I feel like I need one of those blue "DISABLED" stickers for the handicapped people. uhhhggg. it so frustrating!!

Anyway, I'll be back Thursday night. just barely enough time for me to get some sleep before heading out for youth camp on Friday at noon. Ohh deary me

ohh whatever, ciao

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 14:15:49 GMT

I intentionally wrote it out to be an illegible mess.
You wanted me to write you letters,
but I'd rather lose your address.

My family has a issue w/ communication. My dad left for a planned trip to somewhere near Houston for our Belgian paperwork. I didn't find out till when he was saying goodbye. I'll see you in 3 days.

??? to me, I prefer to know what's going on. That's how our brains work:
the more we know about something the more easily we can categorize our life.

Which is what makes any step forward in life scary.
We don't know what's out there, so we can't prepare ourselves.
That is the flow of life, and that is what makes in an adventure.
(I wish that was as eloquent as it was in my head)

ok that's enough philosophizing for now

Je parle français

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 20:55:00 GMT

And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away
And when I am missing you to death.

So I've been taking French lessons for about the last week. I think I'm actually improving some.

The guy said that, since we're moving there, that we should be fluent by about January

o_O!!!!

This whole thing seems bigger than me.
but at least now I have a lot more optimism that I did a week ago.

So, au revoir à tous vous qui a pris du temps de traduire ce sentance